If you asked me what - sitting here today - I am supposed to do I would say it’s telling God’s stories. I have a HUGE heart to write stories of real people facing real things with honesty and transparency. I want to write works that show grace, Truth, peace, etc. in a way that enables people outside the Church to see who God is. I long to write stories that allow people within the church to drop their falsity and embrace that we are broken people.
I long to write stories about the big words we don’t use anymore – sanctification, holiness, grace, forgiveness… But I struggle mightily because I don’t know how. I don’t know how to show God’s presence when things are still hard. I don’t know how to write people who are “of faith” going through rote actions that mean nothing.
How do you show God carrying you? How do you show hope when the world outside feels like a dumpster fire? Regardless of the BS the church puts out – believing in God does NOT mean you won’t hurt, struggle, mess up, feel alone… The church fathers got it. Why don’t we?
How do you write about Him without just Jesus-ing all over the page? How do you not just have a conversion point, a come to Jesus meeting, but then leave the person where they are?
It’s my struggle in real life – how do I tell people about the hope I have when they will still be filled with grief and sorrow and loss? I have no answer as to why things are going this way. But I do know God wants to be with us in these things. It sounds trite – and yet it’s all I have. But how do you write that? I get lost in how bad Christian art is, and yet feel that is the template (I must show people going to church, or praying, or doing a QT as if THAT is what makes faith….) and yet not knowing how I can write God into stories without saying His name (which will then push me into “Christian” fiction where I will be rejected because I don’t write fake, plastic people).
I know God can work through me. I do believe, like with Charlie Mackesy, if I turn my work over to Him then He will come through. But where is He in Demo Detective - In truth? Forgiveness? Grace? Acceptance? In inherent human dignity… Caterer – caring about people, second chances, Tabby’s movement from judgment to grace?
A friend asked if I’d prayed about this. I told her I usually write my prayers, which is kind of a cop-out as I sit here wondering “Lord, how do I pray?” “Lord, who are You to me (how do I see You)?” I have marathon written about this and yet feel paralyzed to answer this question.
I made a list of my current projects – THIRTEEN somewhere between writing, to need to org/edit, to just stop procrastinating and get it done! But I think this is part of my hang-up. How is God in Suffragist? Into the Sky? TT1? Is He? And maybe the answer is to take my hands off the outcome and let God work. I cannot say if Charlie Mackesy is a Christian, but he dwells on the themes of vulnerability, hope, togetherness, and love.
I am back to the post by Shawn – what if I spend all my life waiting to write the book I believe is inside me? What if I never get there?
And is any of this prayer? If God is within me – in my heart, in my beleaguered mind, this tired body, then these ramblings on a page can be a prayer, a crying out. I don’t know what to say, Lord, here are my seeds on the ground. Take and make something lovely.
I don’t believe in a God who rejects our prayers, alms, offerings, etc. if they do not come in the right packaging. But at some point, I need to stop blathering and listen. But I get that too here sometimes, responses I didn’t imagine, new insights.
I still don’t know how to do this walk for myself. I do Bible study with Diane, read books, trying to breathe (so hard right now). I don’t want God to be a theoretical exercise, and yet – do I even know how to pray? Diane told me she’s never met anyone w/ a better understanding of the Word. I take disparate pieces and give them light. But my heart is heavy, my head is in a fog, and my body hurts.
I don’t know how to relate to you, Father. I don’t know how to bring these questions – I don’t even know the words to say, Lord.
Sometimes love means standing up to authority. (Jack: TT1)
Sometimes Truth will cost you everything. (Evie: TT1)
Sometimes faith + love requires you to go against the institution. (Home, Demo)
Are You in the themes? Do I need to worry less about having Jane meet you and more about her reconciling things in herself? I don’t believe we can be healed fully outside of You, and that takes knowing You and spending time w/ You. So how do I write what I am still learning? Is that the break into Act 3? Forgiveness in the Grand Canyon for those I’ve wronged? A nighttime confession in AZ? Helping someone else to forgive? Are those the moments you come, like the angel to Peter in the cell, and call for freedom? That doesn’t mean Peter’s journey was over or that it was easy, he was ultimately martyred, but he knew he was not alone.
How do I do this Lord? I feel so inept. I can’t manufacture it. That’s the root of all bad art! Yet I feel like my writing is like my witness – I have no idea how to tell people about You because so much of my hope is in the “yet to come.”
Maybe this can be my focus here. Try to find a way to be authentic and honest with my writing. I write hard stories. I simply do. Death because of bigotry and hate, grief, abuse, silencing… And yet it’s a movement from silence + lies to truth + freedom.
In my own life, how have You shown up? It’s nights of comfort, moments of stillness. It’s promises of peace. It’s Truth when I needed it. It’s letting go. And what have those moments enabled me to do? Move on. Love more. Be real. Show up. Is it perfect? No. But it’s what I have.