Maybe sometimes, the best thing we can do is admit we want something else. It’s not a failure to say – this isn’t working or I think I can do better. It’s freedom, right? Big breath:
I am not happy w/ how my time traveler book is sitting. I want to pull back the curtain and start again. I am not ready to query it.
This means the one story I had that was “query ready” isn’t. I am back to square one. I am looking at the remains of what I thought was put together. It is a hard day but like pulling the cord on other things, it’s right. I am not a failure.
I am not a failure.
I am not a failure!
I fight against the voices that say I am. I try to find the courage to not see it all as wasted. It is hard to admit, even harder to say out loud. I have to admit what is going on. The idea of doing that starts a cascade of questions and shame, to be honest, that makes me want to hide.
I don’t know how this works. With sending Caterer to beta readers (so now that’s percolating) and finally getting an ending to Demo Det. I can work with - I have nothing else to give. Without writing I have nothing to do, and yet – I can’t force words out.
A small voice says maybe if I can sit down with a page and some ideas – J. + E., two people learning what it means to tell the truth and step out on their own – maybe I can get enough done to build a structure I can then fill in.
Take E. back to when she loses everything. Give her agency + confidence as it all crumbles.
Start w/ J. on base. He is watching the skies, the planes should be back by now. He hates the roar of planes, for a moment it gives him flashbacks to when the Japanese flew their planes into P.H. and changed everything. But lately, he’s wanted to hear them – means his friends are coming home.
… I think part of what scares me about doing this is it feels like ground zero on research. Need to look up:
- Bases in the Pacific
- Planes that flew there
- Ships that went there
- Etc., etc. etc.
But that shouldn’t stop me from doing this. I can figure it out.
Photo by Unseen Studio on Unsplash