A word of warning for this week’s post - it deals with sexual assault. More the notion and archaic BS around how we respond to it, and how we treat victims.
(There are a litany of thoughts bouncing in my head surrounding how we treat women and the shame we are forced to carry. I am trying to sort them out into something coherent. This theme will come up again in future posts, just an FYI.)
Today a jury found Trump guilty of sexually abusing E. Jean Carroll back in the 1990s. It’s a civil case - so there won’t be jail time. But it is a conviction, a statement that a jury of six men and three women found Trump did in fact assault Carroll. It is a court of law saying what he did was illegal and wrong and he is not above facing the repercussions of his actions.
Over the weekend, The NYTimes ran an editorial about the trial and the insulting and archaic questions Ms. Carroll was forced to endure on the stand. What other major crime do we put the victim on trial? In murder, the accused has to prove they did not do it. Theft, again, prove the police got it wrong. Sexual assault is only situation where, again and again, the victim has to defend their honor and integrity, while the man who attacked them sits there without having to face the same level of scrutiny and embarrassment.
I am sick of violence against women not being taken seriously. I am sick of rape being seen as something men can do and the lies that keep victims quiet being taken as gospel.
Jessica Bennett’s article lists some of the questions posed against those willing to hold their rapists accountable. The heart of many a defense tactic lies in the 17th-century case of Harry Bedlow who was charged with raping a 17-year-old girl.
According to Bennett (citing a book by John Wood Sweet) Bedlow’s attorney, “established a set of “circumstantial” tests to make sure a victim was credible. Among them: Was she of “good fame” (in other words, did she have a good reputation)? Did she cry out for help (i.e., did she scream)? Did she bear signs of physical violence on her body or clothing, which might be consistent with a perpetrator’s use of force? Did she report the crime in a timely manner?”
Not all victims react the same. Fight - flight - or freeze - does not just apply to every other situation of stress or danger in our lives. And while all of these “myths” (I refuse to give them any creditability) have been debunked over the last 300+ years - they are still the basis for every accusation and lack of creditability thrown at victims of assault.
“I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there…”
“I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.” - Donald Trump.
I was not hopeful Trump would be held accountable. Though my bigger question was - how could he not be? Here is a man who sees women as sexual objects for his pleasure. He said so in that infamous video (see above) that should have disqualified him from public life and sent him scrambling for significance. Instead, he became president. His cavalier attitude towards Carroll and the many (many!) other accusations of sexual assault or unwanted advances over the years prove he does not think he did anything wrong. He brushes off what for many of these women are life-changing encounters as his inherent right because is male and rich.
Trump’s team offered no defense - because they didn’t have to. They didn’t have to prove Trump wasn’t in the boutique that day. They didn’t have to try and disprove his predatory behavior. They didn’t have to prove “Trump never met her” (even w/ photos to the contrary). All they had to do was shame and discredit Ms. Carroll using an out-of-date set of “expectations” (established by a man trying to get his privileged client off against a young girl who didn’t meet (male) culturally shaped standards).
The emperor has no clothes. The facts and situation here are laughable in their obviousness. Yet, it plays out again and again and again across our world.
I applaud Ms. Carroll for her bravery. I applaud Anita Hill and Christine Blasey Ford and Monica Lewinsky and every other woman who is willing to put their lives, reputations, and safety on the line in a way we do not subject their attackers to.
What if we treated Clarence Thomas, Brett Kavanaugh, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump with the same level of scrutiny and downright disrespect the women they violated and hurt and took advantage of because they believe it is their right endured? What if the justice system did not allow men to get away with rape when the woman was passed out. Or we didn’t excuse it because of what she wearing. How she was behaving. Or what he “thought” she wanted.
What if the perp had to prove she gave consent (a continuous, exuberant yes for each step of the process) vs. the victim having to prove she said “no”?
What if we considered how much his action has already impacted her life vs. how much holding him accountable for his choices will affect his?
What if we valued women more than we valued (male) reputation?
There will be more on this. It’s swirling in my head around a much bigger conversation on the way we treat women in this world. I am tired of it and don’t know what else to do but keep writing to say it’s wrong and challenging the idea that just because it’s always been this way, we have to let it keep being this way.
We have a choice. We can change how we treat victims of assault and the men who choose to rape them because they feel entitled and know they will more than likely get away with it.
We do not have to keep allowing the E. Jean Carrolls of the world to be the ones on trial while the men who harmed them make snide comments and degrade them online, too cowardly to face them in court and look them in the eye.
For now, we celebrate this small victory and hope (however faint) that attitudes will shift and we will value “her” more than we value “him.” That accountability won’t be so elusive. That entitlements will not trump consent and agency and the right to choose what happens to our bodies.
More to come. Just some thoughts swirling in my head today.